Ok, the worst has happened, and you’re separating from your partner or spouse. This is already a very challenging time for most people to overcome. Now add in the fear of losing time with your children, and it becomes overwhelming. This is the first of three entries that contain tips we frequently discuss with all of our clients when navigating custody. You don’t have to follow every single one, but these are big-picture concepts that can help in any case.
Live in Same School District
It seems obvious that if you want to have your children during the school week, you will need to be responsible enough to get them to and from school. If you cannot get the kids to school, a judge will not give you custody during the week. Plain and simple.
When separating from your partner, one or both parents will inevitably have to leave the home they shared together with the kids. However, if you move somewhere within the same school district as your children, you can take advantage of that district’s public transportation. Most people don’t think about this, but utilizing the bus can be a huge help if both parents live in the same district. As long as the school is aware the children need to use different buses on different days, they will work with the parents to make sure everything is handled smoothly.
Live no more than 30 minutes from the other spouse’s or children’s school.
If you’re not able to find a place in the same district as your children, but you have the ability to drive them directly to school, then it’s not necessary to live in the same district. However, it’s important to still stay within a reasonable distance from the other parent and/or the school. The rationale here is to prevent the children from having a long, burdensome drive to and from school. The primary focus for any custody case should be the best interests of the children. Driving them an hour one-way is clearly not in their best interests. Even for the parents, this can be very difficult to maintain. The closer you are to the school, the better your chances are of having a sizeable custody schedule.
Pick an appropriately sized home.
This one is easier said than done, especially with the increased costs of living. Remember, you do not need to have a mansion for the children to live in to get a 50/50 schedule. You don’t even need to have a separate bedroom for each child. It’s most important that each child has their own bed, and you use common sense when having siblings share rooms together. For example, a 16-year-old daughter may not want to share a room with her 5-year-old brother. On the flip side, a 16-year-old brother and his 8-year-old brother may not always get along, but they can put up with sharing a room together.
There are all kinds of situations where a parent may need to share a home or apartment with others to help manage the costs of living. In these situations, it’s even more important to use common sense when considering who your children share a bedroom with. In a perfect world, the children would each have their own room. But that’s not always possible, and the judges understand this.
Stay in touch with your children.
This one seems obvious, but it can be hard to maintain a relationship with one’s children when they are going through a difficult time. The real key here is maintaining some kind of normalcy for your children. While it’s hard on the parents to be splitting up, it’s undoubtedly difficult for the children, whose entire world is changing. Try to remember this and make time for your children so they don’t feel like they are losing their parents. Go to their sporting events, call them on the phone, and do all the things you would normally do when you were in a relationship with the other parent.
There is a big caveat to this one. You don’t want to become overbearing in your attempts to maintain a relationship with your kids. Maybe your kids blame you for the separation. These kinds of problems require different solutions. Sometimes you need to give your children a healthy amount of space so they can adapt to these changes. You know your children better than anyone, so you have to identify what they need to thrive. Sometimes individual or family therapy can help work through challenging times. It’s worth exploring even if you’ve never done this before.
Maintain the custody schedule you want to have.
Sometimes, I forget that not every parent wants the maximum amount of custody possible. While having a 50/50 schedule sounds great, it would be unrealistic if the other parent performed the majority of daily tasks for the children. Maybe one of the parents travels frequently, and it’s not physically possible to have the children in their custody. While a week-on/week-off schedule sounds great, if you are not physically available for your children, then a lesser schedule might make more sense. This is not to say a stay-at-home parent should automatically get primary custody. If you work a typical 9a-5p job, and are home every night, then it’s reasonable to ask for custody during your work week. However, if you are a truck driver who leaves Monday and gets back home on Friday, then it doesn’t make sense to have custody Monday through Friday.
It’s hard to accept a schedule where you have less custody than the other parent. But you really want a schedule that allows you to spend time with your children while you have them. If you just get your kids to pawn them off on someone else for the majority of the time, it may look great on paper that you have a 50/50 schedule, but your kids will resent you for it. This doesn’t mean that you have to spend every waking minute with your children while you have them. It just means that you need to be practical when considering what you are asking for.
If you are just starting the custody process or facing challenges in your custody matter, please contact our office, and any one of our attorneys will be happy to help.
