Last month, we presented several tips to help maintain your desired custody schedule when separating from the other parent. This entry is part 2 of what will be a three-part series to provide parents with the tools they need when facing a custody matter. Please refer back to Part 1 to ensure you have all the information that may apply to your specific needs.
Try to maintain a first-shift job.
Maintaining a first shift job can be easier said than done. Finding a job that pays well and gives you the best hours is not easy to come by. This is especially true when considering that 2nd or 3rd shift jobs often pay higher wages than performing the same job during the 1st shift.
There are several thought processes that come to mind when considering your work schedule. First, the court must consider what is in the best interests of the children. A parent who works 2nd or 3rd shift will inevitably have less time to spend with their children, who are at school during the day and at home when the parent goes to work. And secondly, the Court will give priority to parents over grandparents or third parties. So, if it’s your plan to let a grandparent, family member, or a third party babysit while you are at work and the kids are asleep, a judge could give more custody to the other parent who is working on the same schedule as the children’s schooling.
This doesn’t mean you are never able to use babysitters or other family members to provide childcare. Parents frequently need to rely on others for childcare services when they work a typical 9-5 job. However, a judge will consider your availability (or lack thereof) to spend time with your children when awarding custody. The judge will not want to give custody to someone who is never around when the other parent is more readily available.
Do not discuss divorce or custody matters with the children.
It seems obvious that you should never discuss divorce or custody with your children, but it comes up all the time and for so many reasons. There are obviously about to be major changes in the children’s lives, so it only makes sense that you would want to prepare them. Or maybe your children are old enough to understand what’s going on. You can’t treat them as though they are clueless to everything, but you need to use your best judgment.
Judges hate when children know everything about the custody cases. “Your Mom/Dad is trying to take you away from me.” “Your Mom/Dad wants to have primary physical custody, and you’ll never get to see me.” “Who would you like to live with? Mom or Dad?” These examples are obvious problems. The children are already dealing with enough stress at the idea of their parents splitting. Talking with them about custody just serves to add to their stress.
If and when you are going to talk with your children’s custody, it’s best to work with the other parent to coordinate the best way to broach the topic. Keep things general. “Hey, your dad and I are trying to figure out things for custody and do what’s best for you.” Even with older children, they need boundaries. They should not be made aware of everything that is going on. (“I just had court with your Mother/Father today”). They need to be allowed to live as children. Don’t pull them into adult matters before they need to be.
Do not discuss your opinion of the other parent with the children.
There is no excuse for letting your children know your opinion of the other parent. Often, these issues come up because custody cases are highly emotional. Even in the best cases, parents may not have the best opinions of their former partner. Under no circumstances should you ever allow your kids to know your negative opinions of the other parent.
This type of conduct puts children in the middle of their parents and forces them to choose sides. Even if you are clearly the better parent or the other parent is a bad person, it is not ok to let the children know your feelings on the matter. We have heard every excuse for why parents feel the need to speak with their children about the other parent. It is never okay.
If the judge catches wind that you are badmouthing the other parent in front of the kids, it can have severe consequences. Judges treat the concept of parental alienation very seriously, and they do not like hearing that a parent is trying to turn the kids against the other parent. Even if that’s not your true intention, the judges will look down on you for it. If the other parent is so bad, your children will figure this out on their own. They always do.
Limit your social media presence.
Social media is loved and hated by attorneys. We love when the other side posts something stupid for the public to see. And we hate when our own clients post something stupid for us to see. A person’s Facebook account is like a window into their lives. It might feel good to leave a scathing message about the other parent on your page, but the judge will not be impressed. If you cannot control yourself on social media, why should anyone believe that you can control yourself around the children? Even worse, if your children have social media accounts, then they can see the same messages slamming the other parent that you made available to the public.
Everything you post can be used against you. Just keep that in mind.
Again, if you are just starting the custody process or facing challenges in your custody matter, please contact our office, and any one of our attorneys will be happy to help.
